We’re suddenly meeting men who are respectful and relationship-minded, and we’re actually going out on good dates

For example, we interact only with individual messages that are well-written, reference our profiles, and do something to extend the conversation –– no more entertaining “hey gorgeous” messages or men whose profiles contain only their cellphone numbers because they’re not actually paying to use the app.

We refuse to be pen pals, and we refuse to fight with men or to waste any of our time and energy putting them in their place, even if they deserve it (women still take a lot of abuse and aggression on dating apps)

If a conversation is decent but not moving toward meeting in real life within a week or two, we block without further interaction. “Block to burn” has become a mantra in the Burned Haystack group because blocking is the only way to prevent the apps from recycling matches. If you “block” rather than just swipe left, you’re assured of not seeing that guy again, which means the app has no choice but to show you new matches that might be much better.

Employing these tricks and others is paying off. There’s no accounting for chemistry, of course – I don’t think any method can ensure that. But the rules do ensure that even when there’s no soulmate connection, we’re meeting really nice men and actually enjoying it.

And if something’s not working – if someone is following all the rules and not experiencing success – then we crowdsource to troubleshoot. Is there confusion about how algorithms work? We have data scientists in this group. Do you feel like online dating is tanking your mental health? Let’s consult with the psychologists. Are there questions about legal or ethical matters related to virtual dating? We have several attorneys among us.

The whole “Burned Haystack” project is grassroots and non-monetised; nobody is profiting financially from this work – not me, not the amazingly accomplished professional women in the group who so generously share their individual expertise, and not the members of a smaller research cohort I convened that meets once per month via Zoom to develop and test new strategies that we then share with the larger group.

I’ve never had any doubts about the power of women individually or collectively – especially women who’ve stacked up lifetimes of experiences and hardships and losses and victories – but this group shines like nothing I’ve ever seen in terms of highlighting what a committed, organised sisterhood can accomplish.

In addition to finding good dates, we’re also building a community of friendship, creativity, and mutual support. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention humour, which is essential. After you’ve spent hours swiping through pictures of 55-year-old men who “want kids someday,” it really does help to have kindred spirits to laugh with.

I’m not a “dating coach” and I don’t take on individual clients

On a more personal note, it’s not an exaggeration to say that this group and this project have changed my life and shifted the trajectory of my career. I have a d a full-time professor who works with young people, many of whom have shared with me their own horror stories of experiences on the dating apps. At the beginning, my only goal was to combine my personal experience, my concern for my students, and my academic expertise to more effectively game the dating apps – it was purely logistical.

I started with middle-aged women who date cis-hetero men because that was my own lived experience and I Meninas sri lankan para casamento wanted to kick off the project on a solid ethos of authenticity. But one of our first big Burned Haystack success stories involved a relationship between two women (who are now together and exclusive!). What we’re realising collectively is that this method could help anyone who’s searching for a partner, regardless of age, gender, or orientation.